At the very least, I still make him feel safe. I don't know if anyone could understand the swell that brings me. The man that drained him interests me, just a bit. A stranger, I guess.

The man that I rent the shopfront from has been talking to me quite a bit for some reason, and today he finally told me that the tenant living above is going to be moving to another part of the state. So he asked me if I wanted the home there. I told him that I would think about it. While I would have a similar space, I would also have the shop, and the basement. And while it would be nice to sort out my things--I have so many memories, good and bad, at the Beacon place. That was where I lived with a great many people, most of all Jackson. It feels a little bit strange to know that I might be leaving it. Then again, it has been my home for two years, so maybe it's a natural feeling. There is no reason for me to not take the offer, except the nostalgia and attachment holding me here. We shall see.

(OOC: Provided that Rene knew when Jackson's birthday was, Rene most likely attempted the second try at vegan baking for him. And Failed. But it's the thought that counts, right?)

Maybe I am trying to make bad moods into good ones. I am not sure if it works, but I do know that at least my company does something for most people.

Ye gods, my baking tasted like chewing dirt. I was never too outstanding at it...but even then. I can make all sorts of candies and sweets, but baking cupcakes eludes me. I am also hazarding a guess that using strange ingredients has things to do with it. I am really the most likely to be able to be Vegan, like Jackson--but somehow that eludes me too. My home is very Vegan-friendly, but I still eat unfriendly things sometimes. I know it is rubbing off, though.

Ever since I found out what happened, and since I promised myself I'd stand up--there's been something at the back of my mind, telling me that dangerous theatrics is worth it, if in the end I help someone. I'm not much for actively putting myself in danger, but perhaps there's a point there. Somewhere.

Or perhaps I am just missing the wind on my face.

I should see how well Angel is flying. As soon as I can reach him.

It's hard to lose someone at that age. I know from experience, I guess. I wonder what Zachery thought of this. I would think him impartial. I hope very much that Emmett does not continue his thorough emulation. He's already made denial into an initial reaction.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. You almost made it, maman.

I'll still get you flowers.

I'm so tired, but everytime I rest, I wake up the same. I cannot tell what I need. Perhaps some time to blow off steam.

I can hardly think about how he must have ended up in the hospital, so I won't. I can't. I just wonder why nobody let me know.

Are we back to how we used to be...? I don't know. Probably not so much how it was, but at least now...I know that he had never stopped loving me back.

I do not know where Jackson and I stand now, but at least it is together.

Sunset's testaments were not hard to find, luckily. She was prepared for things such as this, I think. I spent most of the day going over her other matters first; in the end, I saved the letters for whom they were addressed, and I have kept her will separate for now. I need to see Warren--though my want for it is to see how he is doing. I have not known him for too long, but he feels close already.

Oh, maman, I hope very much that you will not mind me borrowing some of your tea tonight.

Everything happened all at once the other day--and now it is slow again. I needed a chance to breathe properly. Just a bit.

Je veux votre compagnie encore, maman. Je souhaite que je pourrais avoir eu une autre soeur. Nous nous réunirons encore, je promets.

J'ai été honoré pour être votre fils.

I never thought I would be here, in this situation. Life is unjust, and life is unpredictable. Life moves on. My whole body is in...pain. Again. I've been called to the morgue for he body. I guess that they...never really had many records of her, aside from living space and her employer. Me.

I will go to her apartment later, after I am able to sort out her papers and make sure that she is kept where she belongs. I know that I am a little bit scared of what is going to happen now, but I will be resolute. I am in sorrow again, but I know that I am not really like this--broken? I have ached by myself for a month now--I have never been like that before, during most of life. Not since I was young, and had yet to learn from Jean. I guess that I really still love him that much. To be this hurt, yet still wear our rings around my neck. I do love him. I think that I always will, somehow. He gave me something I had not had, and I'll always remember it, regardless of what happens next.

Sunset is gone, but I can still imagine her telling me--"Be strong, stand up, don't slouch, shoulders back--". So that is what I will do. She would not want me to get worse. Never. She tried to keep me out of that spiral, and I should have listened so that she could see me do it. Somewhere, she still can. She would always remind me who the hell I was, even when everything else was unregarded. I am a commanding man of dignity and warm solidarity, not a wilting and flaky sprout with a sniffling nose and a bottle of brandy in his hand. I was like that solid man months ago. I hit some bumps, then fell into a lazy groove. Now I've been like i was ages ago, before magic, even. I want to be that strong man again.

I cannot wilt. No more. No more hiding. No more robotic days of sleeping, working and eating. The world is at my fingers and I must remember that, even if inside, I am in so much broken sorrow that I want to curl up in bed. I must to be brave--because I need to be. For everyone, I think.

Maybe that is why Ghostflower began to exist in the first place.

I don't understand.  I don't.

Nothing makes sense.

I need a warm shoulder, but there are none for me. I don't know where I am -- It's cold here, and I'm lost. I miss him. I still love him. I always will.

---

Note for Jackson at the school/in the mail/somewhere:

"I do not understand why. I do not think I ever really will.

I love you, and I will always love you. You will always have a place in my heart, regardless of what place you hold in my world.

I will always be here for you; please do not ever forget that.

Thank you for You. Thank you for letting me be with you. Thank you for everything you've given me. I can only pray that you feel the same.

I will always be here, there, somewhere, always.

Love,
Rene"

---

OOC: I kept thinking of this song, which only made me sniffle /more/. I am so sad now. :(

Emmett seems like a good kid, even if Zachery has already begun leaking 'role model'. I'm going to give him a small hound, before long.

Seymour is going to shed soon. I should...probably send parts of the sheddings away. He is quick to grow, but not all of them shed.

They were all dead. Dust inside of pods. I couldn't bring myself to leave some tears in the school, so I waited until I got home to give some.

There were children. Were they running away? Refugees? I hope we find out before it is too late.

I could tell that Jackson was sad for them too, even if the others were happy that the Xenoformer had been felled. Maybe we're weird. I don't know.

I should go check on Seymour. I know the aliens probably haven't done much in terms of the underground, but...Ramiel is to Jackson as Seymour is to Rene. Pretty much.

It's getting warmer. The plants are waking up again. It's like the calm before the storm for me. I feel excited.

I asked him to work on me sometime. With a burn or otherwise. He's going to help me with a design. :)

He has such a beautiful new landscape on him now.

He was always a beautiful landscape.

He worries me, sometimes.

I think that was the first time in a long time that we just...lied there. We were each other's company. I missed that too. I just want to be around him, I guess. That is what I love.

I'm not sure of a lot of things, but he seems to be the only certain one anymore.

It makes me knotted inside to know that there is something on his mind that he won't or can't share. I know there is something. I am not sure I will ever find out what, though. That is what makes me sad.

I love him.

I look back and almost wish he had burned me. I would not have said anything, though.

I would have something of him all to myself again.

Warren, oh, Warren.

Chicken-angel.

I like this place. I am going to go explore the gardens. Find some nice trees.

I have not.....sat outside in a long time. Just...sat. Sit and grow. I miss when I was little...and I would go outside and sleep in the gardens. In the flowerbeds.

Even a nap would be nice.

It wasn't my intention to cause trouble. I feel guilty for calling Jackson now--because that is the reason that he came and the reason that Warren went to the apartment(I assume he was there, because I left my contact). But, if I had not called--I fear that he may have come anyway.

They know where we are now. They know where /I/ am now.

I am uneasy, but being with Jackson right now is helping. This calmness is normal for him, I guess.

I did tell him that we need to make our own peace in our own immediate world, after all.

I hope Seymour is ready to do his job if push comes to shove. He has been at the independent stage for a long time, and would certainly cause a ruckus if he wanted. So could all the rest of my creatures and plants, though in totally different ways.

I hope everyone is okay. Angel told us to go to his old home to stay safe.

I think I should start calling people. At least...as many people that I can reach. My family first.

Should I see if Jackson wants to call his too?

I need to rest so badly. I have gotten nearly no sleep, and it is showing in a lot of ways.

He is with me and that is what matters.

I don't know what to do anymore. This is too much. I want to defend my home, but I want to be safe with Jackson too. I think perhaps my pride will take a backseat for now. Safety is the only thing that my mind can seek anymore.

God grant us luck. We need it.

The cats are getting used to Jackson being here. Maybe it is spring's doing.

I think we all need spring to come. Everyone.

I have been watching those spires all day on the news.

Has a technopath not seen to them? Telepaths are completely different. Someone that understands technology would probably know what they are. I know only one person like that, I think.

Things are getting weird. But somehow I am not afraid yet. Though...they might be acting so subtle as to not make us all panic before bugzapping Earth.

Suckage. I want to know what they are. But I'm not sure if I should.

I don't know what to think about SArah and her own relationships--I should perhaps pay more attention so I'm not as blindsided.

I got my two piercings done today. Jackson was the one to needle me, just like I promised. It was quick, but my gosh, do they ever ache now. I couldn't decide if I wanted to whimper or squirm or laugh--and I ended up laughing. I have no idea where that came from.

These are so cute, though. I keep having to treat them, so I have to keep looking at them. They seem to get better every time. I can't help but wonder if I'll end up with a bajillion holes and more tattoos. If they're all done right...I don't think I'd mind in the long run. Hm. :)

Heeeee. Nipple rings.

Peeps. Oh my god peeps. I bought maybe...too many peeps.

At least it was a safe night. I didn't get too bad with my drinks, considering Zachery was the one to drag me off. I guess I did miss this.

I wonder what Jackson is going to say about all of these marshmallows. Oops.

Jackson got cuffed in DC. I'm not sure what to think.

He'll be okay. I'm sure.

I'm still worried, though. I should call the school and let them know that he's going to be late coming home. I don't think I will tell them why, unless it seems prudent.

That bloody dryad is already causing me more problems than I need. First she bothers the...beautiful guy in the elevator(I am taking the stairs from now on), and then she makes Jackson think he is going crazy. It felt horrible to disappear. I hope to god that he doesn't do it again. I'll go crazy the day Jackson goes crazy. I never want it to happen.

Carrot also braided my hair. It feels so bizarre, but I guess it doesn't look that bad. Could be worse.

I found one of my silver bands to wear--the elevator issue made me realize that I shouldn't play so much with strangers. I wanted to squirt him with that chocolate, but I knew it would have been a bad idea. I never used to think about getting home before thinking about covering a virile young man in chocolate.

Is this what married men feel like? Hm.

Carrot needs a home. I think she needs a new home. She can't really tell me. She is not rooted, though, and tonight after dinner she kept showing me acorns--god only knows where she was keeping them. Hopefully in her hair.

OOC: Yes. Rene now has cornrows. To give a rough reference, they are probably in this sort of structure, whether in a ponytail or not: http://www.imvu.com/shop/product.php?products_id=1017890

I think I spooked Kevin a little. He is so shy, but he's a nice kid because of it. I think that he is one of the kids at the school I wouldn't mind hanging around with more. I'm glad that we got to spend the evening there. Poor Rich. I bet if he hadn't of tried to run away, he could have hid behind one of us. Literally or non, even. Fangirls aren't the best thing to have when one is trying to spend quality time with friends. Hm.

We should do that more often. The hanging out--not so much watching Rich getting swamped by a gaggle of teenagers. I like spending time with Jackson and everyone--but for some reason it seems like it doesn't happen as numerously as it could. I take Jackson out when I can, but that's just us, which isn't bad at all--but the schoolkids probably need more friends outside of the place. I'd be happy to be The Outsider if it means I get to know them too.

I wonder if they would like to go sledding. I've never gone sledding. :(

I knew it would get bad, but never that bad. I am just glad that the old woman at the diner let us stay inside of it. She was her own kind of angel.

He hit him. And then booted us out. I don't expect to see that suitcase ever again--luckily there was nothing of importance in it. I had already sent many of my things home when we left France.

I wish he could have seen his animals again. I wish he had a chance to say goodbye. They know that he loves them, though. That is my only consolation. He loves his parents too, but I do not know if they will talk much for some time, yet. If at all.

That was the most amazing exit I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of. Satan. Satan. Phantasm was SATAN.

I am at a loss for words about those people, but at least I know that they will never forget us. Never.